Pulled Apart & Tweaky
Sometimes life is too big to fit into my comfort zone. You know, that place where a guy can relax and not worry about things like performance, outcomes or change. That’s how I normally prefer life to work, predictable.
All this changes when I have a presentation to give. Can you relate? What was a comfortable push towards a predetermined finish line suddenly becomes a rush of frantic research, rehearsal and the idea that I must pull myself together.
Together, like I was somewhat pulled apart.
Typically, I write an outline, rehearse, work on timings, and then rehearse some more. After that, I begin to prepare myself. This is where the tweaky Mark begins to peek out from the closet. It’s something unaccounted for; an inward fleshly pull to be someone I am not. It’s when I watch my favorite speakers and how they say and phrase things. I look at what they are wearing and what kind of hair cut is in style. (Somewhere deep down I must believe that I can grow my hair to style on demand.) While I am totally excited to share my heart I typically begin to panic a wee-bit. Most of the time this passes quickly, but often I find myself “primping.”
Yes, I said “primping.”
A few days before almost any presentation or class I intensify my workout regime, get a hair cut, look for a new shirt, trim my nails, think about tanning and counting my calories…it is as if I am trying to hide something.
Trying to hide that I am not perfect.
I know God’s take on this kind of thing. God looks at the heart.
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7.)
It’s this momentary glimpse back towards God that eventually grounds me in the project. God alone offers me strength to do my best for an audience of only one.
Of course, the audience is Jesus.
It doesn’t matter the topic or reason. It doesn’t matter how nervous, tweaky or compulsive I become. I have learned a few things over time by walking closely with God.
The most important lesson is this: God is good all the time.
So I can just be me.
Question: What areas of leadership do you need to rely more on God and less on you?
- Where I Fail (markmathia.com)
- I Wanna Be Like John (makindell.wordpress.com)
- The Strength of Brokeness (via Good Devotionals) (thechristiangazette.wordpress.com)